Immortal My Ass
by alfyiskingly
Summary: There was once an awful fanfic floating about the internet called "My Immortal," and this is my interpretation of the thing as a whole, given chapter by chapter following the original story's outline.
1. Chapter 1

**[Author's Note: The story below is my rendition of Tara Gilesbie's ****_My Immortal._**** It is from my (Alfy's) point of view and was written with the help of my dear friend, Tomi. Enjoy.]**

As we waited patiently for the first years to get themselves situated in the Great Hall, Tomi and I pointed out to each other each new kid and described in exquisite detail exactly what we thought of them just loud enough for each and every one of them to hear. Tomi laughed loudly as two young boys walked up to Hermoine Granger and Luna Lovegood and failed miserably at making a move. I was just about to point out another desperate first year when all of a sudden a thin, short, twelve year old girl with murky brown eyes and shoulder length brown hair wandered over to us. She attempted some kind of hair flip in vain and sighed. "Hi," she muttered in a voice that sounded painfully staged. "My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

Tomi had already had enough. "What the hell? Dark'ness? Sound like you've got bloody hiccups you nasty hoser." I laughed and flipped my significantly longer, darker hair to taunt her.

"What the hell kind of name is 'Dementia Raven Way?'" I could see this Ebony girl's self-esteem fall through the floor, if she'd had any to begin with.

"Well," she started again, "I got my name, Ebony, from my long, ebony black hair. See? It has purple streaks and red tips, that's how you know I'm goffik."

Tomi jumped up and bounced slightly, trying to keep her self-control in tact. She breathed heavily and crouched next to me. "Alfy, you're gonna have to hold me back, now..." She clasped her hands together suddenly. "Odin, please...please grant me the patience and self-control I need to not cut a bitch on this very day. Odin, I'm begging you, now."

I looked up at the ignorant piece of shit standing before me. I was just about to help her out and tell her what she really looked like, which only the kindest of people would do seeing as she was so ignorant, but then she interrupted me and I stopped caring.

"Your eyes are pretty, but not like mine. My icy blue eyes, like limpid tears, are the most gorgeous eyes, and some people even tell me I look like Amy Lee-"

"Bitch!" I stood suddenly as my hand swallowed her entire acne covered face. "Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, biiiiiitch please. Your eyes are nasty-ass brown, your hair is some kind of blonde-brown hybrid half-baked shit, and if I were to say you looked like someone, it'd be Voldy's pasty ass, alright?" I pushed her head back and turned around, sitting back down next to Tomi again and hoping the little shit had gotten the message. But she hadn't.

"I'm a vampire."

Tomi and I froze. We just froze and tensed and I could feel the terrified buttholes of the people around us clench until they threatened to collapse in on themselves. My light colored face went red, and Tomi's normally descriptive and expressive face was calm and still while her eyes danced with fury.

"I'm a vampire even though my teeth are straight and white, just like my pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and that's why I go here. Dumblydore said I'm so good, I'm already technically kinda like a seventh year. I mean, I might as well be seventeen with how maturely goth I am."

By this point, Tomi was livid, though her face showed no expression. She was rocking back and forth and mumbling to herself, trying to stay calm. "Come on Tomi, you've got good grades, and nice friends, and a good homeland, and- Come on, make Canada proud. We're nice in Canada, we're polite in Canada, we don't chop bitches up in Canada, we don't grab little bitch throats and squeeze until the light fades from their little bitch eyes in Canada. If you do crazy things, Tomi, you won't be able to go outside in the snowtime, and that'll make you sad..."

I watched as Tomi continued to hold back and I tried to block out the immense annoyance that was persistently buzzing in my ear. As the minutes passed and the asshole remained behind us letting the shit pour out of her mouth, I finally just got up and walked away. Tomi, Shane and a few others followed as I made my way quickly to the court-yard. While we were inside the bottom had fallen out of the sky and bits of hail mixed into the heavy rain fell down around us. I smiled at the gloomy sky as Tomi bounced happily and danced about with Shane and Rosso. Our small group was just starting to relax again when out of nowhere that horrid voice materialized and brought the ugly beast with it.

"It's snow-raining!" she shouted as she shoved Tomi and Rosso out of her way and nearly knocked me down to get into the rain. Tomi took in the deepest breath in mankind's history and just as she was about to let out the longest string of hexes mixed with profanity, Draco Malfoy appeared and held up his wand to her face. Her icy glare could've snapped that scrawny boy in half, but before we had time to do or say anything, "Ebony" turned around and nearly wet herself.

"Draco! Hi!" she nearly screamed as she just about threw herself at the poor boy. Draco stepped aside as the nasty bitch fell to the ground. She jumped up and checked her body for scrapes and bruises because she obviously wasn't searching for rips in her clothes since they were ratty shreds anyway. Pulling down on her knock-off Goodwill corset-type top and pushing up on her chest as if to show off what didn't exist, she smiled a snaggle-toothed grin at Draco. "What's up, Draco?"

His nose scrunched up as he turned his head away from any direction that could've been associated with her. "Uh...nothing..."

Suddenly "Ebony" seemed to notice herself and a grey cloud appeared over her personality and attitude. She sighed loudly and let her eyelids droop. Looking over her shoulder to a small group on the far side of the court-yard, she moaned. "I have to go, my friends want me." And with that, she just left; she simply walked away and attempted to join the targeted group, where she was rejected as if she were a leper.

Tomi laughed loudly as the rain got heavier and we all willed the bitch to be struck by lightning. Retreating inside, the group broke off to go to the designated common rooms, all silently hoping that "Ebony" was a part of another house.

-End of Chapter 1-


	2. Chapter 2

I lay awake and listened to the hail beat down on Hogwarts. I smiled to myself, grateful that the nasty new girl wasn't in my house. I silently hoped she was in Gryffindor, unsure of what other house she could possibly be in. Considering she was a weak, spineless poser, I figured she would have been defaulted into Hufflepuff. Thank whatever gods there are that we weren't the unfortunate ones.

I finally got up, earlier than usual, and wandered about in the Hufflepuff common room for a few minutes. Bored and hungry, I made my way to the Great Hall after throwing on my house robes and found that Rosso, Shane and Kenny had already beaten me there. I sat in between Rosso and Kenny and was just about to ask who'd gotten unlucky when I noticed Shane's tired, angry eyes.

"I don't even have to guess, do I?"

Shane shook her head and huffed loudly, letting us bask in the pain that engulfed her whole night. "That little ass rape of thing wouldn't let anyone sleep. She stayed up talking to Willow. Do you want to know who Willow is? No one! There is no Willow! And she thinks she has a coffin! She pulled the cushions off of the couch and tried to make a coffin!"

Rosso smirked, "that's why I'm glad she doesn't really like me. At least I don't have to deal with that nonsense."

Shane reached across the table and hit Rosso across the face, and he was about to retaliate when Fitch and Tomi hurried over and nearly face-planted the table trying to sit down in their rush.

"Oh my sweet baby Jesus, Kutulu-Odin-Christ, that bitch is all kinds of stupid-ass crazy and shit," Tomi shouted. Before I could even materialize a functioning sentence in response, "Ebony" walked into the room, clothed from head to toe in black or neon and all kinds of iron-on patches and buttons that said things like "Vampirez" and "Goth is my life." A small, obviously American girl, also in black, clung to her arm while a young woman followed close behind them. I lowered my head and urged the others to do the same, hoping we wouldn't be seen, but it was too late. I could hear the obnoxiously loud heels hurry over and suddenly I felt hands grasp onto my shoulders roughly.

"Hey guys! Guess what!"

A collective moan rose from the others as I clenched my teeth and my whole body tensed. "This bitch has two seconds..." I muttered, restraining with all of my mind, body and soul. It was all I could do not to turn and uppercut her right there in front of everyone. The young woman quietly pried the hands off of my shoulders, quickly apologizing and the two American girls sat next to Rosso and began talking loudly. The young woman, looking utterly exhausted, lightly tapped my shoulder. As I turned to look, she bent close to my ear, whispering urgently.

"I apologize for anything Mandy has done or will do in the future. I apologize for Anna in advance as well."

Tomi and Shane both glanced towards us, confused by what she'd said as they'd heard it too. I peered up at her softly tanned face curiously. "Who are you, their keeper?" Shane questioned suddenly.

The woman nodded. "I'm their caretaker since they're...well...not quite on the same level as the others, if you get what I mean," she whispered, putting her hand up so the two apparently named Mandy and Anna wouldn't hear.

Tomi laughed obnoxiously and I smirked. We glanced at each other and her eyes practically shouted, "I knew there was something off with that bitch!"

The others laughed with Tomi and started a rampage of insults, continuously bashing the young posers, but my attention was suddenly engulfed in the conversation happening near me.

"Omfg, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday," Anna clapped excitedly.

"Yeah, so?" Mandy retorted, a faint blush gathering in her cheeks, though it was hardly noticeable due to the caked makeup that burdened her skin.

Anna leaned forward, her long, thin hair obnoxiously spreading over the table and in other people's way. "Do you like Draco?" she prodded.

Mandy snapped back, "no I so fucking don't!" I cringed at her awful grammar, but continued to eavesdrop.

"Yeah right! You fucking like Draco!" Anna shouted loud enough for the rest of the group to hear, as well as Draco who happened to be passing on the other side of the table. Mandy waved to him and I watched as he deliberately averted his eyes and turned up his nose, quickly getting away from the situation that could have very well escalate into havoc for him.

Anna pulled at Mandy's arm roughly and screeched some kind of antelope mating call. "I bet he's gonna invite you to go with him to a Good Charlotte concert! I bet there's gonna be one in Hogsmead soon too! That'll be so cool!"

Tomi and I exchanged annoyed looks. The ignorance of the duo seemed to thin the air so I quickly stood up and made my way out of the Great Hall with Tomi close behind. As we passed a few girls seated at the table behind us, I heard them snickering and one of them said quietly, "those ignorant nobs. They won't make it through the first week here."

-End Chapter 2-


	3. Chapter 3

With Dumbledore standing behind us, Tomi and I reluctantly entered the infirmary. Jasmine was standing near the door, ready to take us off of Dumbledore's hands. Tomi and I walked hesitantly towards the bed that Mandy had been occupying since the morning before. I snickered and glanced at my Ravenclaw friend, but she was glaring, obviously still peeved that she was being forced to apologize for what she'd done.

Once we reached the bed, Jasmine woke Mandy who rolled over to face us. Tomi, filled with anger, huffed and looked at the ceiling. "I'm so incredibly sorry for punching you in the face yesterday." Tomi turned her head towards me and muttered under her breath, "even though your sorry ass deserved it."

I snickered again and was about to answer back, but Dumbledore, who had positioned himself in front of the door instead of leaving, cleared his throat loudly. I took a deep breath, knowing that I too had to apologize. Mandy turned her attention to me and her expression shifted to something expectant and utterly annoying. I gave her look that hopefully said to go to hell before I spit out my apology.

"Even though I didn't punch you, I really wish I had, and I'm not sorry. I'm just required to say that I am."

There was a sudden and sharp pain in the back of my head and I figured it was the old man warning me. I sighed loudly. "I'm sooooorry."

Tomi cocked her head to the side and smiled sweetly. "Je suis vraiment désolé que je ne vous ai pas frapper plus fort, connard." (1)

It took all the self control I had to keep from laughing and giving away that Tomi had insulted the little bitch. Jasmine smiled at Tomi, happy to hear the endearment in her voice. Dumbledore nodded and stepped aside as Tomi and I moved to leave the room. We smiled slyly to each other, basking in the thought of getting off relatively scott-free.

"Wait!"

We froze. I could feel the anger radiating off of Tomi and I almost found the empathy it would take to fear for Mandy's life. "Yes, Mandy?" I heard Jasmine ask, impatient but kind as usual.

"I think since they got to hit me that they have to listen to what I did while I sneaked out of here all day."

Everyone exchanged confused glances and the nurse reached over to check Mandy's temperature.

Jasmine tried to speak to Mandy delicately, simply saying, "now, dear, you've been asleep all this time. I've been here and the nurse has been here and you never snuck out. You must have had a dream or something-"

"No, Jaz-shit. I fucking didn't dream shit. I waited until you all left and I sneaked out with fucking Draco, dammit."

Jasmine closed her eyes and sighed gently, never losing her calm. She turned to us and innocently smiled. "Would you two like to stay and hear Mandy out? Please?"

In that single moment, my snarky and sarcastic attitude disappeared and I felt genuinely sorry for this young woman. I turned to Tomi and saw in her eyes that she felt bad too, but not nearly enough to agree instantly.

I dropped my shoulders and sighed. "I'll stay."

Tomi glanced at me and saw how sorry I felt for Jasmine and sighed as well. "I suppose I could stay for a minute, but not to amuse you, you little-"

I coughed to interrupt her. Moving my mouth closer to her ear, I whispered, "just this once, let's think about someone else before ourselves. Jasmine has probably spent the better half of her life with this cumslut and I really feel bad for her. So, just this once, suck it up and come on."

I walked slowly back toward the bed and Tomi followed, dragging her feet and mumbling curses. "Je serais plutôt honnêtement me tue à vous écouter. Veuillez puissant Thor me frapperait maintenant alors que j'ai encore un minimum de patience." (2)

As soon as Tomi and I were seated on the bed beside Mandy's, she rolled over and sat up, eager to tell her little lie.

"Okay, so I was wearing my black lace up boots with high heels on them and underneath was my ripped up red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with-"

"Bitch! Please!" Tomi shouted out. I grabbed her arm and forced a smile at Mandy.

"Continue," I muttered through clenched teeth.

Mandy, huffing loudly, picked up where she left off. "Anyway, I had my black minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front." I rolled my eyes at her inability to properly explain her own clothes, especially since this was all a lie and she'd had time to think this through. "I put on matching fishnet on my arms and I straightened my hair and made it all spiky."

I held up my hand in protest. "I thought you said your hair was long and shit. I mean, even though it isn't, seeing as you believe your own lies how did you spike your hair? Hm?"

"Shut up, bitch, I'm telling the story!"

I could feel Tomi begin to smile. She knew I wasn't going to just take that, especially not from an ignorant little fuckwad. I tensed and could feel my upper lip twitch ever so slightly. I looked her dead in the eyes and took a short, sharp breath. I opened my mouth to let out the longest string of insults I could manage in one breath but Jasmine quickly leaned forward.

"Mandy! Continue without the use of insults or I'll send these two away."

Mandy snorted in the most unattractive way one could. "Fine. Anyway, I spiked my hair and had all my clothes on and then I got super depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists and read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding."

I leaned over to Tomi and whispered, "didn't she claim to be a vampire a few days ago?"

Tomi turned her head and whispered back, "yes, and now vampires bleed, feed, sparkle and read."

"After I read my book, I listened to some GC and painted my nails black and put on tons of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick but no foundation because I'm pale anyway."

I rolled my eyes again and muttered, "you're only as pale as Dumbledore is young."

"Then I drank some human blood and I was ready to go to the concert. I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt and they were gonna play at the show too and he had baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and some eyeliner-"

"Now listen here, you shit spigot. Not only would Draco never even acknowledge a muggle, much less a band of them, he would not wear 'skater' pants, makeup, or nail polish."

Dumbledore was standing behind Tomi by now. "Enough with these interruptions. I'd like to go, but we can't until she's done. Now shut your mouth," he finished, and reassured himself with a silencing hex on poor Tomi. He looked to me. "Would you like to say anything?" I quickly shook my head and looked ahead. "Good. Now, please finish, Mandy."

Mandy scoffed, "it's Ebony! Oh my Satan, because I don't believe in a god because I'm a fucking satanist. "For the last time, aaaanyway, we walked to his flying black Mercedes-Benz and the license plate said 666 since he's a satanist too, and we flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened all excited to Good Charlotte and Marylin Manson..."

I glanced to Tomi who was rolling her eyes and mouthing all kinds of rebukes and curses. I must say, it was hilarious seeing her go off without making any noise.

"...and we were both smoking cigarettes and drugs..."

Tomi thrashed about wildly, but Dumbledore didn't mind it as it wasn't keeping Mandy from continuing. I snickered quietly.

"...got there and we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage..."

I could tell that Tomi was mouthing "who the hell moshes to shit like Good fucking Charlotte?! And where the hell else would a mosh pit be? The fucking bathroom? What the hell ass cumslut shit wicket are you?! What the fuuuuuuu..."

Mandy kept rambling on, ignoring Tomi by now. "And Joel was so fucking hot so I told Draco and he looked sad and I asked, 'what's wrong?' and then I caught on and told him that Joel wasn't better than him and he asked 'really?' and he got all sensitive and protective and put his arm around me and then I got mad because Joel is dating Hilary fucking Duff. I still fucking hate that little bitch. I mean, her ugly blonde face is just so gross."

Tomi was flopping around by now mouthing, "I'm done! I'm done! I'm mother fucking done!"

Mandy bounced on her bed. "But this is the best part! We got Joel and Benji's autographs and we got GC tees and then we got back in his car but Draco didn't come back to Hogwarts, instead he drove into...the Forbidden Forest!"

Dumbledore clapped suddenly. "Okay, girls. It's time that these two run off to their common rooms. Jasmine, if you would walk these two out with me." Jasmine, Tomi and I stood to leave.

"Wait!" Mandy wailed in protest. "I'm not dooooooone!"

As we walked out of the infirmary, Dumbledore took us both by the shoulders. "You two will return here tomorrow and finish listening as punishment. But if it trails on longer than what tomorrow will hold, I'll suspend the punishment. Not even I could take much more of that."

The old man revoked the hex on Tomi and sent us on our way. While he and Jasmine were still in earshot, I heard Jasmine. "Could you get me a few more Slytherin uniforms? She thinks that if she burns or rips hers that she can wear her clothes in replacement."

-End Chapter 3-


	4. Chapter 4

Staying true to his word, Dumbledore requested that we return to the infirmary the day after Tomi had socked Mandy one in the mouth. We grumpily sat ourselves down in the same place we'd been sitting the evening before. Mandy, who had been playing sick all day, was bouncing around on her bed, bursting at the seams to poison us with her shit-stories.

I thrust my hand in the air and snapped obnoxiously. "Could we hurry this up? I've places to be and people to do."

Mandy didn't hesitate. "So I left off yesterday when Draco took me into the Forbidden Forest! And so I was like 'what the fuck Draco!' and he was like...nothing 'cause he didn't answer and he stopped the car and walked out of it and I walked out of it too furiously and I was like 'what the fucking hell?!' and he was like 'Ebony?' and I was like 'WHAT' and he leaned in extra close and I looked into his gothic red eyes-" She stopped herself and took a breath. "Because he was wearing coloured contacts, which revealed to me so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then I didn't feel mad anymore. And then suddenly Draco kissed me passionately and he climbed on top of me and we made out keenly against a tree and he took my top off and I took off all of his clothes and even my bra and then he put his...his thingy, you know? And he put it in-" here she dropped her voice and leaned in, whispering loudly, "he put it in my you-know-what." She sat back up quickly. "And we did it for the first time ever and I was gonna have an orgasm and we started to kiss everywhere and then we heard someone say 'What the hell are you doing motherfuckers!' and it was Dumbledore!"

The whole two minutes it took for Mandy to fill us in on her shit-story update, Tomi and I had been sitting patiently. We both looked to Dumbledore who nodded and left the room. We then turned to Jasmine, who, along with the nurse, proceeded to stuff cotton balls into her ears. As soon as they turned their backs, Tomi and I turned back to Mandy.

Mandy smiled and giggled a nasty little, herpy filled giggle. "That's all I'm telling you today. You'll have to wait until tomorrow to hear the-"

Tomi jumped up and screamed to the ceiling. "What the absolute fucking fucksacs was that absolute bullshit that you just spewed into my eyes, ears and my face in general?! What the fucking fuck fuck fuck! You are not worth the shit my body harbours after I eat beans with a shit topping! I'd rather eat that than listen to you ever again! I'd rather endure Umbridge punishment than ever in my life be forced to listen to your nasty shit stories ever again! Fuck this! What even did you expect to gain from this?! Tupitsa (1)! I've known Draco since we were little shits back in the day and he would never stick his shit anywhere near you! Not even in your direction! You fucking suka (2)! You don't even know how to properly word sex! It's called a fucking penis! A dick! A cock! A schlong! And what you've got is a vagina! A fucking pussy! Cunt! Vag! Vag! Motherfucking vag! Speaking of motherfuckers, you probably don't even know what an orgasm is! You've never had one, I know that for damn sure! And Dumbledore! He would never say motherfuckers! What the shit! And he probably wouldn't even bother himself with stopping people from having sex! You're an absolute waste of space and molecules and I was one of the people unfortunate enough to have to fucking meet you!"

Tomi took a deep breath and looked down at me. "Do you have anything to say?"

I stood up, looked Mandy in the eyes and smiled. "Fuck you."

And with that, we simply left the infirmary.

-End Chapter 4-

* * *

(1) Dumbass

(2) Bitch

* * *

AN: (Alfy) The characters Tomi and Alfy are not made up. I'm Alfy and my best friend is Tomi. This person is very real and she approved her whole paragraph, telling me that everything there is indeed what she would say. Just thought you should know. 3


	5. Chapter 5

"I know we haven't been the best of friends since we were younger, but this ignorant little mudblood won't take a bloody hint."

I twisted my hair nonchalantly and propped my feet up on the stone wall in front of me, moving so that in the small stone window, I was almost completely seated upside down and perfectly comfortable. Tomi, who was leaning against a pillar, finished crushing a piece of chalk she had taken from a random classroom and clapped her hands together, amusing herself with the clouds of dust that came from her hands. She then turned to Draco, who stood impatiently near us, but with his back turned as if he didn't want to be associated with us.

"You come to me on the day on this OWL asking me to rid you of this maggot?"

Draco turned halfway and glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. He sneered and turned back around. "So, are you going to deal with her for me or not?"

"So lemme get this straight. You want me to help you? And you won't even face me? Hm...what do you think, Alfy?"

I slid even further into my "broken neck" position. I fumbled around with the piece of paper that Draco had handed to us upon arrival and overlooked it once more. It read:

_**Dear Draco,**_

_**I know I saw you stariring at me the other day! Your so fucking hawt! Like I bet your a goth too huh? And a satinist too I bet.**_

_**Anyway I remember when you took me to the forbbidden forset and we did it for the very forst time and then Dumblydore cauht us and made us go to their officces and McGargoyle and Proffessor Snap was there and then Snape said for us to go to our rooms because you addmitted you're undiying love for me right there in front of them all!**_

_**I remember what I went and changed into too and it was just for you but not directely. It was a low cut black and floor length dress with red lace all around it and high heels and I remember you said I looked nice. Or at least you're eyes said I looked nice when they looked at my booty (; And then you hugged and kissded me and I had the best night ever and your graet! I love you! 3**_

_**You're greatest love forever,**_

_**Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**_

I slowly turned my head until it landed on its side and I was looking at Tomi's amazing rack and Draco's lumpy ass. As I could feel a sharp pain arise in my neck, I slid back up until I was sitting upright with small, loose pebbles in my shirt. Flailing my arm, I waved Latrine Licker's letter in Tomi's direction. She snatched it and quickly skimmed over what she could understand and then quietly looked up, blinking quickly. "What in the absolute fuck did just befoul my pupils? I feel as though I've been eye raped. My retinas have been penetrated with a fowl something that I just can't describe. That's how putrid it really is. Draco, turn your scrawny ass around, I'm gonna help you the fuck out."

-End Chapter 5-


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